Admiration from Afar
by BadLuckIsMyThing
Summary: Peeta and Katniss were in school together long before they were reaped for the Hunger Games. What thoughts did Peeta have about her over the years? R


When Peeta Mellark walks into his classroom on the first day of school, Katniss Everdeen is the first thing he notices.

She is standing shyly in a corner with her mother, not associating with any other kids. She wears a pretty red dress and her long hair is woven neatly into two dark braids. Peeta is intrigued immediately, and asks his father about her.

"Daddy, who is that girl?" he points a chubby finger at Katniss, who has now stuck the tip of her braid in her mouth and is sucking nervously on it.

His father chuckles lightly. "That's Katniss Everdeen," he says. "You see that woman standing next to her?"

Peeta nods while staring at the slender blonde woman who strokes Katniss's hair, as though trying to reassure her about something. He thinks she might be pretty if she weren't so old.

"That's her mom. I was going to marry her." Peeta's father states matter-of-factly while Peeta stares at him, surprised.

"Why didn't you?" he asks. His father sighs and gazes sadly at Mrs. Everdeen for a moment before glancing down at Peeta.

"She ran off with a coal miner instead of me," he finally replies.

Peeta is taken aback. "But—but you're so nice!" he protests. "How could she not pick you?"

His father laughs without humor and ruffles Peeta's hair. "Someday when you're older, and you find the girl you want to be with, you're going to realize that it takes a lot more than being nice to win her over," he tells Peeta.

Later that day, Peeta hears Katniss Everdeen sing and knows he's a goner.

* * *

Peeta shifts in his seat so he can get a better view of Katniss. She is sitting across the school cafeteria alone, eating lunch at a table by herself. She bites into an apple, oblivious of his gaze.

Peeta tries to tune out his friends that surround him at his table and focus on Katniss; how her tan skin seems to glow slightly, how her dark braid looks so soft and silky, how her grey eyes shine brightly. He's known her for three years, but he's never gotten up the nerve to talk to her. Nobody knows about his crush but him.

Peeta's friends talk and laugh jovially, playfully elbowing one another, and Peeta finds himself annoyed. He wishes he could be friends with Katniss, but over the last couple of years he's learned that there is a barrier between Seam and merchant kids, and sitting with her would be social suicide. Besides that, it would cause gossip—which spreads quickly in District 12—and his mother would beat him for sure if she found out. So he doesn't ever speak to her, and keeps his interest to himself.

Peeta's best friend Rilus jabs him in the ribs a little too sharply. "Hey, what're you thinking about?" he asks. "You look like you're all focused or something."

Peeta doesn't respond; just goes back to eating while secretly watching Katniss out of the corner of his eye.

* * *

He can see it in her face; in the hollows of her cheeks, in her dead eyes, in her far too prominent cheekbones. Katniss is starving to death.

It terrifies Peeta. She looks more like a skeleton than a girl. He can see her ribs clearly through her worn, patched up shirts and she doesn't eat lunch at school anymore. Her bones and joints jut out far too much than is healthy. He knows that her father died in the mines, but can't imagine why her mother isn't keeping her fed.

Peeta watches her closely during school, just like he's done for the last six years. He wants desperately to help her but doesn't know what to do. He can't exactly just go up to her house with a basket full of food and say, "Hey, I know I've never talked to you and you probably don't even know who I am, but you look like you're dying so I brought you this." The thought would be almost laughable—if her situation weren't so dire.

Weeks pass, maybe months, with Katniss only getting skinnier and skinnier. Guilt and worry eat Peeta alive to the point where he can't stand it anymore, but he still doesn't know how to help her. He plans tons of different ways to get her food, or maybe money, but all of them fail. At one point he attempts to steal a loaf of bread from the bakery to give to her at school, but he's too loud, and his mother catches him in the act. Peeta gets screamed at for a long time before she slaps him hard across the face multiple times, earning him a swollen cheekbone. When people at school ask, he claims to have run into a wall. Thankfully nobody questions it.

One rainy afternoon Peeta is working at the bakery when he sees a small figure leaned against a tree out back. Whoever it is slumped over in defeat, as though they've accepted that they're going to die.

He steps out onto the back porch to investigate further and immediately recognizes the long dark braid and scarred skin—after all; he has been staring at it for six years. Fear floods through him, and without thinking, he runs inside to get rolls, a loaf of bread, cake,_ anything_.

Peeta is only concerned with getting Katniss food as he purposely blackens two loaves of bread, burning his hands in the process. Barely taking the time to run water over the scorched skin of his fingers, he turns to the back door—only to find his mother standing there. She is furious, he can tell. Her arms are crossed and her mouth is set in a grim line. Clutched in her left hand is a yardstick—the one she uses to hit him.

Just as Peeta knew would happen, his mother screams about how useless and lazy he is, how she wishes she'd never had him, how he has brought shame upon the Mellark family time after time. She strikes him forcefully across the face once before yelling at him to go give the pigs the loaves, because 'nobody decent will buy burnt bread'.

Peeta stumbles out the back door, his cheek already swelling, and doesn't hesitate to quickly toss Katniss the bread before going back inside.

* * *

"Yay! Go Peeta!" Alayna Livenwood cheers from the stands. Peeta ignores her and focuses on the soccer game he's currently involved in. The ball is headed towards him, and he's getting ready to kick it when he catches a glimpse of dark braid and olive skin from the corner of his eye. He fumbles and nearly falls over the soccer ball. The other team uses his momentary distraction to steal the ball and score a goal—the winning goal the two teams had been tied for.

Groans emit from Peeta's teammates and he hears lots of muttered curses. "Next time," Rilus says, addressing Peeta. "Pay attention!"

He sighs as his friend stalks away in anger. The truth was, he had been paying attention, and doing well, too—until Katniss and Prim had shown up. As far as he could tell, Prim liked watching the soccer games that occurred after school sometimes, and she usually dragged Katniss along with her.

Normally, Peeta would've liked having a girl watch him play so he could show off. But all Katniss did was distract him, which would've been worth if it had she been impressed by Peeta, but she didn't appear to care at all. She always just sat there and examined her ragged fingernails during the soccer games. It made Peeta increasingly frustrated.

He'd known her for eight years and still never made any effort to speak to her. Of course, not many people really had; her only friend was Madge Undersee—unless you counted that older hunting partner of hers, which Peeta didn't.

Peeta thought it was because something about her was intimidating, making her unapproachable. Maybe it was her scowl. Or maybe it was those grey eyes that had you feeling like she could see everything about you—good and bad. Or maybe it was just simply her, just _Katniss_ that scared people. Either way, for eight years he'd found himself strangely drawn to the tough Seam girl, for reasons he didn't quite understand.

"It's all right, Peety," Alayna Livenwood, who has just jogged up to him, puts her hand on his shoulder. "I'm sure you'll win the next game."

Peeta resists the urge to roll his eyes. He hates the nickname Peety, but doesn't have the heart to tell his girlfriend that. He simply shrugs, unable to do or say anything else. "Oh, Peety!" Alayna cries dramatically. She wraps her arms around Peeta, trying to comfort him, but it does nothing. He doesn't want this girl hugging him, with her short and rounded figure, blonde hair, and pale skin. Instead, he craves the comfort of a girl whose curves aren't so pronounced, who's tall and slim, whose dark hair and tanned skin show that she's a Seam girl through and through. Katniss.

As Alayna pecks his cheek and grabs his hand to walk home with him, he watches her out of the corner of his eye. She stands up, yawns, stretches; ready to go home. Her little blonde sister chatters animatedly. Katniss smiles, which Peeta likes. Only Primrose can make her smile that way.

They head towards the Seam as Alayna tugs Peeta towards the merchant quarter. He watches until Katniss is out of sight.

* * *

It makes him feel sick, the way the two of them act. Gale tugs playfully on Katniss's braid and she laughs, swatting his hand away. They look so natural—best friends, always together. Peeta gets a bitter taste in his mouth when he realizes he would never—no, _will _never—be that way with Katniss. Even if he did somehow manage to construct a fragile friendship with her, the town/Seam issue would quickly crush any chance they had into nothing but dust; bits and pieces of broken hopes and dreams and what ifs.

It seems unfair to Peeta that Gale gets the girl _he's_ been pining over for _ten years_. _He_ is the one that has appreciated her beauty since they were five years old. _He_ is the one that has been trying desperately to get her attention for a very long time. _He_ is the one that gave her bread on that rainy afternoon so long ago. But suddenly some tall, good-looking Seam kid comes along and none of that matters anymore; Katniss just throws herself at him.

Sure, he doesn't know _specifically_ know that they're dating. He's never seen them kiss or anything. But it seems pretty obvious to Peeta that something more than friendship is going on between the two of them. He sees the way Gale looks at Katniss when they're together. He doesn't miss the way they seem to communicate without speaking when they trade with Peeta's father. He notices the way that they'll casually take one another's hand, seemingly without thinking about it. It all points to them being together. The thought of Katniss being with anyone but him brings bile to Peeta's throat. He imagines—in horror—them marrying and having children; little dark haired, grey eyed Seam babies. If—heaven forbid—that scenario was to come true, what would happen to him? Peeta has never had eyes for anybody but Katniss Everdeen. The thought of him ever being with another woman is unthinkable.

Peeta suddenly hears a loud guffaw, snapping him out of his reverie. He turns to see Gale and Katniss nearly falling off the bench they're sitting on in the town square due to the laughter shaking their bodies.

Peeta snaps his art book shut in disgust and stands to leave. He can't bear to watch this anymore.

* * *

He thinks that this day can't get any worse. And then his name is called.

"Peeta Mellark." Effie Trinket says clearly into the microphone. The people around him part immediately to let him pass. None of them will look him in the eye.

Trembling slightly, he makes his way up to the stage, where he stands next to Katniss. Effie rambles on for a few minutes, senseless words that nobody pays any attention to. Everyone's eyes are on this year's new tributes, so Peeta tries to be strong. It doesn't work well; he can feel wet tears dripping from his lashes and dropping onto his cheeks, but he can't help it. All that runs through his mind is _"Why? Why me?" _There were hundreds, thousands of names in that reaping bowl. He had exactly one slip. The odds were definitely_ not_ in his favor.

He steals a quick glance at Katniss. Her jaw is set stonily, and he sees barely contained emotion in her grey eyes. She has her fists clamped tightly together in front of her, and her dress sleeve has a small, barely noticeable tear where Primrose had tearfully clutched it, trying to hold on to her big sister. The sight makes his heart ache for her family. Sweet, innocent little Prim with her contagious grin and blonde braids; her healer mother that had patched up Peeta's older brothers more times than he can count; even Gale, one of the few people that can make solemn Katniss laugh; they would all be crushed by her death.

Suddenly he looks up and realizes that Effie is done speaking, and Katniss has her hand held out for him to shake. He shakes it; her grip is tight and her calluses are pressed against his palm. They let go and are immediately swept into the Justice Building.

Peeta waits for his family to arrive in a room full of plush, red velvet furniture. He doesn't have to wait for long before his father bursts through the door and wraps his arms around his youngest son. His brothers trail closely behind him. They don't say much, just pat him on the back and mutter soft goodbyes. His mother stands in the corner, giving Peeta's father a disapproving look when he begins sobbing.

Peeta has told his father and brothers how much he loves and will miss them before he turns around to face his mother. She stares at him for a moment, her mouth set in a thin line, before she steps forward and hesitantly places her hand on his shoulder. It's one of the most affectionate gestures she's ever given him, and he's a bit surprised. She looks into Peeta's eyes for a moment before speaking.

"Well," his mother says. "It looks like District 12 may finally have a Victor this year."

Peeta is confused for a moment. She thinks _he_ could be a Victor? He knows he'll be one of the first unfortunate kids to be slaughtered. He's about to tell her otherwise when she speaks again.

"She's a survivor, that one," his mother says, shaking her head of blonde hair.

It takes a moment for Peeta to understand that she means Katniss, and when he does, he shoves her hand off his shoulder.

How could she basically tell her youngest son that he's going to die? Sure, Peeta knows he's going to die, but at least she can give him a little support. He's angry now, and he purposely turns away from his mother.

The Peacekeepers come in only a moment later and take his family away. Peeta knows he'll never see them again; he won't be the one coming out of the arena alive.

Katniss will; he is going to make sure of it, even if it kills him.


End file.
